T-Urku Auki

The Mayor at The Movies - Iron Man 2 (2010)

2010-05-10T20:25:00.002+03:00

Welcome to The Movies with The Mayor. On the marquee this time the return of Marvel's metallic anti-communism hero...

Iron Man 2 (2010) - Directed by Jon Favreau

Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Mickey Rourke, Don Cheadle, Scarlett Johansson and Gwyneth Paltrow with Jon Favreau and Samuel L. Jackson.

Where to see it: At the movies (straight to #1)

SPOILER ALERT!!! Gwyneth Paltrow does not get hit in the face. *sad face*

After the success of Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight was followed in 2009 by lackluster comic book movies such as Wathcmen and X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Iron Man 2 became the only movie of the superhero genre I had any expectations for. I enjoyed the first as it was a very entertaining movie, mostly thanks to Robert Downey Junior's charismatic turn as playboy millionaire Tony Stark. Then they went and added Mickey Rourke riding a wave from the success of The Wrestler. They brought back the principles (who's this Terrence Howard character you speak of?), even the pretty reporter girl.

Heck of a story Leslie, now get your hands out of my pants and let me get back to the review

The stakes were upped and the trailer looked good. The list of actors included Sam Rockwell, whose mostly awesome, but if you recognized his 1 second appearance in the trailer before seeing the movie, you're an indie movie loving freak.

Going into the movie based on the first movie and the trailer alone was exciting enough but what was surprising to me was that I had totally misunderstood ScarJo's role in the movie. The other more pleasant surprise was that there were basically no reveals about the second half of the movie in the trailer except for Rhody going side-by-side with Stark in an Iron Man suit of his own along only probably a couple of action shots too.

Where Iron Man had the back story of Stark's journey to the Middle East where he was attacked and captured, where he engineered a battery for his mechanical heart and constructed Iron Man 1.0, Iron Man 2 also goes the "six months earlier" route, which is in this case unnecessary and pretty much unnoticable after the fact. At the start of the movie, the backstory of Whiplash is established quickly (and effectively) as his father, a former Stark Industries dies and gives him the plans for the reactor that was developed into the battery of Iron Man. Whiplash (Rourke) with a weird not-quite-a mustache is able to construct his own battery reactor.

Meanwhile Tony Stark is keeping his Iron Man creations away from the government, is introduced to and hires ScarJo's character and lives the playboy life while the paladium of his chest battery keeps poisoning his blood more and more. He eventually out of the blue races at the Monaco Grand Prix circuit in his own Stark team's car. Whiplash attacks Stark on the track (At which point did Whiplash know that Stark was going to race and how did he get to track so fast?) and the movie kicks in to high gear after disposing of most of the trailer bits.

You come from a family of thieves and butchers of mustaches.

Even though he survives, Tony is wounded and the government comes at him. Rhody gets involved, trying to keep Tony from screwing up as well as Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson in a surprisingly good turn) and SHIELD who try to help him with his "my blood is getting more and more poisoned" storyline while ScarJo's true colors are revealed. Some of the most ridiculous scenes of the movie follow when Tony tries to find the solution to his blood poisoning problems while Rourke (with a real mustache now?) and Rockwell share the screen on the other side of the story beautifully trying to construct the counter act to Starkexpo and the Iron Man weapon.

Both parties gear up for the great action finish and in the end (after the credits)... The Avengers stuff is just around the corner (Meh).

Some pretty stupid stuff aside (it's not like the science in The Dark Knight wasn't out there, but at least it was closer to reality and not pure sci-fi) this was a very good action movie and maybe even better than the metal draped millionaire's first outing.

My grade: 4 stars out of 5.
Recommendation: To anyone who isn't sick of superhero/comic book movies (Iron Man). Also people who still yearn for entertaining witty dialogue to go with their action (Sherlock Holmes).

The Mayor at The Movies - How to Train Your Draogon - 3D (2010)

2010-05-10T19:21:00.000+03:00

*takes of nurses mask*

Hi...

Last Wednesday I went and saw a couple of new movies at the theater. Then I went to work for the weekend and writing movie reviews wasn't very high on my list of priorities. But I've spent most of today lying on my side or holding my sides (LOL, amirite?) so I decided to take a look back at two very watchable and entertaining movies as well as give you some pointers on 3D movies in general.

Welcome to the second (and third) edition of TM@TM

How to Train Your Dragon (2010) 3D version - Directed by Dean DeBlois and Chris Sanders

Starring: Jay Baruchel, Gerard Butler, Craig Ferguson, Christopher "Red Mist" Mintz-Plasse, Jonah Hill, Kristen Wiig and Ugly Betty

Where to see it: At the movies (#3 at American box office), where I saw it in 3D and in English (cause I'm not a child).

After seeing the trailer and so and so last fall, I wasn't looking forward to this one. Dreamworks' first 3D animation Monsters vs. Aliens was a lot more enticing thanks to a cast of very funny actors. And I almost forgot about with a Chance of Meatballs, but I did see that thing on an airplane on my trip to New Zealand. Was it in 3D? Either way, I didn't think that a simple "our enemies are more than meets the eye" concept was enough for a good movie. But the movie kept on selling tickets and even got into the IMDb Top 250, a list that has provided me boatloads of satisfactory movies and few disappointments (like Raging Bull. What can I say, I just didn't like it). So when I was facing a decision which two movies I had to go see by Wednesday thanks to my expiring "Chritmas" tickets I went with the premiering Iron Man 2 and HtTYD in 3D over Clash of the Titans or Date Night, two movies which looked like average Hollywood vehicles.

I wasn't disappointed in a sense as the movie was pretty funny and the story chugged along nicely. I enjoyed recognizing the voices of McLovin, Hill and especially Ferguson, all of whom were great in the movie. Jay Baruchel (whom I know nothing about) was good in the lead too. The movie looked very cool and the secret side of the dragons made sense in a storytelling kind of way. I really enjoyed the fact that the best bits had been left out of the trailer, I mean the last action sequence of the movie was just awesome. The 3D really delivered the spectacle of the last fight home for me.

After I left the theater I had an hour before the second film of my double feature and I thought about that IMDb ranking/rating the consensus being that this was the best Dreamworks animation this far (excluding the Shrek movies). I wasn't and still am not sure I agree with that. But then again my thinking is that Animation movies these days try to balance between two extremes, the comedy animation and action/adventure animation. Most of them have some kind of love story to go with that, Dreamworks can't live without them while Pixar's movies don't always hinge on traditional love stories (Up!). My favorite Dreamworks animations have been the Madagascar movies, Over the Hedge (which is hilarious!) and Kung Fu Panda.

Stop shaving and go watch Over the Hedge

The first three worked because they were laugh out loud funny for most of their 80ish minutes while the last one actually pulled of some beautiful action to go along with the comedy of Jack Black's leading Po (not poo). But the comedy element has been withering since 3D came along. Monsters vs. Aliens delivered some eye popping action scenes, especially for "early" 3D animation while with a Chance of Meatballs had a pretty endearing "loser finds love" story to go along with the comedy. But they weren't nearly as funny as the early movies of the Dreamworks renaissance. While How to Train... was an improvement in 3D and story over the last two, I don't think it was that funny. But it's okay. Not every animation has to be funny to be awesome if the action is good. After The Incredibles, How to Train Your Dragon has some of the best action that animation movies can offer. But I'd still put it behind Kung Fu Panda, Madagascar 2 and Madagascar because they are more worth multiple viewings. This is more on par with Over The Hedge.

My grade: 4 stars out of 5.
Recommendation: Lovers of animation, especially on the actiony side (The Incredibles) will enjoy this movie with some humor and a love story thrown in (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs).

Back with Iron Man 2 in a sec.

The Mayor at The Movies - Kick-Ass (2009)

2010-04-29T00:32:00.010+03:00

It's finally time to jumpstart Spedelandia's new feature, Mayor at The Movies. The reason I returned to Facebook (stupid, I know) was to let people know what I think and let them more easily tell me how much they love me. Since I have an opinion and watch a lot of movies, I've decided to start writing my own movie reviews. I'll also review other stuff I see like TV series seasons, WWE PPVs and more.

For those who are interested in that kind of shit I'll be bringing a photo retrospective of my trip to New Zealand when I get back to retouching my pictures from the trip. Since the trip I've been playing some GTA games, watching a lot of NBA playoffs, celebrating my birthweek (and my birthday) and trying to get a degree.

But enough of the boring stuff. Welcome to The Mayor at The Movies or TM@TM

Kick-Ass (2009) - Directed by Matthew Vaughn

Starring: Aaron Johnson, Christopher "McLovin" Mintz-Plasse, Mark Strong and Nicolas Cage

Where to see it: At the movies, playing now

I had been waiting for this movie ever since I heard of it from FilmDrunk, the funniest (and only) movie blog I know. The original trailer was great and my interest was raised even more when I saw a scene between Big Daddy Nicolas Cage and her daughter, Hit Girl, played by Chloe Grace Moretz. In the clip Cage's character shoots her daughter in the chest. The girl goes down in a sudden show of violence, but fortunately she's unharmed. But she's not a superhero, she has a bulletproof vest... Nicolas Cage being violent towards women? I had to see this movie. No way it could be as bad as The Wicker Man.

So, the movie opens with a scene from the trailer, where a crazy pseudo superhero leaps from a roof in Manhattan. he lands on a cab and smashes. Our hero, Dave is just an ordinary guy who reads comic books with his friends, who are as much of a couple of losers as Dave. One day he wonders, why nobody's ever tried to be a superhero. His friends don't think much of it but he keeps fantasizing and ends up ordering a special wetsuit on the internet to hide his identity.

Becoming a superhero isn't as easy as one would think and before Dave becomes the real Kick-Ass he suffers some setbacks which give him some time in the hospital, hammer his nerve endings (making him more tolerable for, well, getting his ass kicked) and start a rumor that he's gay. Consequently the love of his life, with a totally made up name, wants him to be her gay BFF.

Hi, Lyndsy. Want to be the Mayor's future ex-wife? Sure, I can arrange that. Hey Scarlett, get off your knees, take your shit with you and come back after Iron Man 2 comes out!

Eventually Kick-Ass kicks some ass (queue Omen by Prodigy) and stumbles into being an internet sensation. He eventually meets the father-daughter duo of Big Daddy and Hit Girl played by Nicolas Cage and the new comer Moretz, respectively. These two vigilantes are on a mission of revenge, which is illustrated in a very beautiful comic book, 3D animation sequence. Their target is the big bad businessman named Frank (Strong). His son is a lonely comic book fan and another new super hero, Red Mist (Mintz-Plasse).

The story pretty much has three things going on at the same time. Dave's personal life with his friends and his new no-so-platonic girlfriend, Dave's endeavours as the people's superhero and Big Daddy's/Hit Girl's personal vendetta against Frank. At about 2/3 of the movie (which was a little longer than I had anticipated) I felt that the pacing was a little lacking and thought that the movie was a little worse than I had thought. But then the pace and the story really took an original route and I was sucked back in. The last 30 minutes of the movie include some of the best action scenes this side of Oldboy's hammer-in-a-corridor scene and a resolution to the "I'm not gay" storyline that turns romantic comedies green.

The acting is mostly awesome, especially Cage and Moretz. Her Hit Girl is by far the most enjoyable character in the movie. Christopher Mintz-Plasse is more than just McLovin but he's not that much more than Christopher Mintz-Plasse. Other than that, all the principals hold their own.

Got a problem with violence and naughty language? Maybe you should go away, silently, you cunt.

Now a warning to all the people who need to cover their eyes when they see some bloodshed in movies. This movie has some gore and when it does, it's gore-a-plenty. Also, the movie is dark. I found it funny, but most of the crowd in my theater didn't find the dark stuff as funny. Oh, and if you're a pussyfoot and can't take a 13-year old girl using words like cunt, then maybe you should stick to reading abstinent teen vampire novels.

My grade: 4½ stars out of 5.
Recommendation: For lovers of dark comedy / action that goes an inch furhter (Die Hard 4.0, Wanted) / foul language and action/comic book movies with a brain (The Dark Knight, Sin City).
Not for little girls, people who take themselves too seriously and those with a weak stomach.

This movie was awesome, go see it if you dare!

Halfway around the World

2010-03-06T11:58:00.001+02:00

Last Friday I started my journey accross the Earth to New Zealand.

After 26 hours of flying, a 3 hour ferry ride and 13 other hours, I got to Picton. From there we went on a 5 day hike on the Marlborough Sounds, a place that might seem small on the map, but still enholds 11 % of New Zealand's coastline. I intend on exploring as much as I can of the remaining 89 %.

On Friday we got back from the bush (forest) and celebrated my Mom's 60th birthday in Picton. Today we rented cars and drove down to Kaikoura to see some whales. Expensive and nauseating. I didn't even get any pictures of the Sperm Whale or the Humpback. On Thursday we saw some Killer Whales while kayaking and that didn't make me seasick at all.

After the whale safari, I hopped into my own vehicle and headed South while my relatives headed back to the North Island. The scenery was even better than on the hike and I saw a lot of it. In the early evening I arrived at Christchurch with seven days left to explore the Island.

Christchurch is a pretty cool town. There are a lot of (surprise, surprise) churches here. After some hassling I found a bed & breakfast very close to Cathedral Square. Tomorrow I change cars, check out Wellington at day, and head out to Mountain Cook.

More stories with pictures coming in just over a week.

If you're going to New Zealand

2010-02-25T19:33:00.000+02:00

Dear readers (all approximately five of you),

I'm writing to you from my parents apartment in Helsinki (I know, lame). In a couple of hours I'm taking them and my 50 litre (that's a different amount of ounces or whatever) backpack to Helsinki-Vantaa airport. Tomorrow I'll follow them as I depart for New Zealand. Yes, New Zealand.

Why go to New Zealand? What's there that is not in Turku? You may ask these questions, if you're dumb. But I'll gladly answer. The reason why my parents are going is that my mom will turn 60 during the trip and she decided a couple of years ago to celebrate her birthday in New Zealand. I'm going, cause I've never been there, I had the money and it seems like a fascinating place. Plus I'll get a five day walk and some nights in a hotel for free!

Getting to New Zealand will require a lot of sitting. On an aeroplane. I'm flying to Frankfurt tomorrow and as I departure from Germany on Friday evening I will arrive at Sydney 21 hours later on Sunday morning. After that I'll need to fly to Wellington and catch a ferry to Picton the same night to meet up with my parents, relatives and mom's closest friends. Monday-Friday we have a five day guided walk and on Saturday we'll be seeing these fellows near Kaikoura.

From there I'll fetch a bus by myself and head south to Christchurch. Then I'll rent a car (in which I will sleep in, like a king) and hopefully see all of these destinations.

Aoaraki Mount Cook

Milford Sound

Stewart Island

Franz Josef Glacier

Abel Tasman National Park

...and many more! My plans are very ambitious and would require me to drive at least 40 hours (maybe more) in 7 days, but I just might be able to pull it off. If it seems impossible I'll probably skip Stewart Island first, one of the Sounds second and Abel Tasman third.

Right now my backs are packed, my supper (lasagne) is getting cold and I'm pretty anxious. Very anxious. I just wish my flights and ferries are on time so I don't have to fret about things I can't control. Hopefully I'll be able to update you somewhere during the trip, if not, check back in three weeks!

*Foreign expression*!

In your Face, book!

2010-02-12T19:55:00.002+02:00

Dear ~~Stupid~~ Facebook,

Remember me? Yeah, it's me. The guy with exactly 459 (white) friends on your "service". It's been a week since we broke up and I just wanted to make sure you know that I'm alright. Then again, why wouldn't I be. You're the clingy one... First you showed me five pictures of me and my friends. The three first seemed well thought out, they were friends I was going to or hoping to see the same day. The fourth one was an ok girl named Salma Hayek (name ~~not~~ changed). The fifth person was another girl named Salma (name definitely changed). Serilously Facebook, you could have at least tried. You almost lucked out to choosing five people that I care about and whose contact information I have on my iPhone, but then you start trotting out random chicks who I didn't even know were my friends. That's the moment I knew I was making the right decision.

You don't care about me Facebook. You don't care at all, you just feign interest and act randomly, if that's a word. After showing me your last hand (one pair, an ace, and shit) you don't even go all in. Yeah, sure, you tell me that it's okay, you can leave. But then you say that the door's still open and that I can come back anytime I want. Clingy whore. Who do you think you are? Diana Ross said it best: "Set me free why don't you babe, get out of my life why don't you babe." The Supreme, Diana Ross, that is. But no, you want us to be friends Facebook. No. It's over. Face it Facebook, I've got enough friends, too many friends, that's what you showed me. Instead of getting rid of my friends, people who surely depend on me (even all 455 of them who don't read my blog), I got rid of you.

You try to act all nonchalant, but it hurts, doesn't it. Your community is dying, one by one. So, you want to know what I've been up to, now that I'm not updating my "Look-at-me-I-have-an-internet-connection", I mean Facebook status? Tough luck Facebook, I'm not giving you status reports like Spock on the deck of the USS Enterprise. If you want to know what's going on you have two choices. A) Call me or B) read my F*ing blog. What? You... you don't have a phone? You're just an internet site with too frequently changing security options and interfaces? Who would've thought. (Rhetorical question. Answer: NO ONE!)

But since you still need to have me listed as a friend maybe I'll give you a quick rundown of what my Facebook statuses would've been. Had you been able to get them... Haha, good one Speed.

Friday: just deactivated my Facebook account

Haha, I just told that clingy bitch to stay the hell away from me. And no, you can't have my moustache.

Saturday: is enjoying Ostwerman Weekend III, a three foot Sub.

My friends are here, not on the internet and we have an anaconda sized subway while we're watching Anaconda, one of the best worst movies ever. It's the Osterman Weekend III.

Sunday: goes back to business, Las Venturas is mine

Instead of doing school work or other sucky stuff I need my left hand and a quarter of my brain to do in 15 minutes, I rule the streets of San Fierro, Las Venturas and Los Santos with my black Alter Ego Carl 'CJ' Johnson (Cool nickname, huh?). Who needs to study?

Monday: too ~~tired~~ cool to do school stuff. Still ruling Las Venturas

Isn't that interesting Facebook? Everyone should be more like me and stop boring people with their boring lives. Oh, your baby is crying cause you didn't give it enough food. Wow! Stop the presses, asshole news report coming through!!! You didn't pass a test cause you drank too much and didn't bother reading while hung over? How's that possible, I thought you were super human and could do anything while drunk/hung over/ miserable. My life is shattered. Seriously, drop the excuses, stop complaining and go back to work you hippies.

Tuesday: slept in, got some school work done with "my colleagues", only ruled Las Venturas until midnight

Too cool for school? Maybe. Too cool for Facebook? You know it.

Wednesday: took in some culture, told a woman how to do her job, walked to places (cause only the poor use the bus), took out Officer Tenpenny.

Ooh, don't touch the ruins! What? Demetri Martin has something important to tell you... They're ruins. Oh, and this goes to a lot of "responsible" people in the world, especially the Pasis whose shoes have gotten too big. If you're not you can handle something, let it be. Someone else can handle it! People are more competent than you are (Oh yes, I went there), (I'm not coming back either).

Want to see some culture? Here goes...

Some ancient house

And some idiot had posted a message on the wall! (Meta in the house)

Why build something, when you can make it out of Legos?

Medieval playing cards and chips. To think that some people still volutarily play with these. Outside of prison! NEXT PICTURE!

Uh, oh, It's He-Man, we'd better duck out and leave culture to the Culture Club. Right, "Boy" George?

Thursday: woke up early today, listened to girls trying to make things harder than they are, then zoning off, doing my school work in 15 minutes with my left hand, being too tired after no relaxing, going to a party.

A party? Seriously? Yup, and guess what Facebook? You were invited. Hot shit! Where were you? You missed it? Wow, a party and Facebook isn't there. You must be really heartbroken about us. It figures, I was the life of the party, I even took my pants off. Why? Cause I had to, people were practically asking for it. And all the ~~ladies~~ guys looked at me in acceptance ~~off their gayness~~ for me.

Want to hear a secret? I'm not wearing any pants now either. Psyched! You're so gay for reading this even though I claimed not to have any pants on for the whole time I wrote this. Not that there's anything wrong with that (even though we all know that there is, we just don't say it).

See you all tomorrow in Kannas, a week from now in Jyväskylä or two weeks from now in New Zealand. I don't like to gloat, but you wish you were going there instead of me. Better yet, you probably wish you were me. Well, if you can guess my Facebook password, maybe you can live through my awesome internet existance. Other than that, good luck with your life, I'm enjoying mine. (I can sense the irony of not writing Facebook statuses in 10 seconds and being done with it but writing a blog post about myself for an hour instead. I'm interested in me and that's it, NOT in 459 people thank you very much.)

"Hang loose", said the Hawaiian pimp.

Yours truly,
Me

In to the Beaver's mouth (Beaver in the mouth)

2009-11-19T03:44:00.003+02:00

Hello.

This post is dedicated to quite a funny blog called KOTKAA PÄÄLLE or EAGLE ON which is written by three guys studying history or some Back to the Future stuff. I don't really care about that. One of them is my friend Lede and the two others are Jii Ranta and Antsa. Their lives aren't enviable but they write well enough about their crappy hipster existences so that they're one of the top 10 Finnish blogs at wordpress. Check them out! http://kotkaapaalle.wordpress.com/.

Back to the story. My week so far has been made of Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. That is nothing SPECTACULAR. Unless you're an alcoholic I bet your can recall those days too. On Monday I amazingly managed to get out of bed and to school in time. I had two classes this week and both of them were on Monday. Not hello! At 9 a.m. I had a course called "Webpage design and execution". Boy I wish I could've EXECUTED someone while there. Anyone really. Even some of my friends. They're really not my friends unless we're drunk. Except my friend Matti. He's cool (or not actually, but he's the future president of Opex, so I have to play nice). This time we were fiddling around with some CSS crap and now my webpage looks like this. Suffice to say it SUCKS!

After class I ate at Unica (bastard son of UNICAFE) and had an underwhelming lunch. I don't even remember what it was, I didn't have much of an appetite. I only remember eating LESS THAN HALF of it before disposing of it without my friend Juha catching me. He's from Africa or something because he can't stand people who don't finish their food. If only there was a word for a person like that. Oh wait, MICHAEL RICHARDS knows the word.

At four p.m. I came back to Educarium and this time it was time, well, to prepare other people's pro seminar plans. It wasn't very productive to me, but I did come up with some material for this BLOG post. On the last page of our TYY calendar there's an add for Väestöliitto and SPERM DONORS! Take a look:

I had some fun with the picture. A 35-year old loser who has no better place to put his sperm than IN A CUP? I know lots of better places to put your sperm (like magazinge spreads, public restrooms, public anything, loafs of bread and dogs' asses to name a few). When I'm 35 I won't be giving my sperm away. No way! My favorite quote: "Luovuttaja saa hyvän mielen..." or "The donor feels better..." WTF! Of course he's going to feel better after MASTURBATING, unless he's someone who likes to jack off to footage of kids eating their father's diarrhea out of their mother's vagina. Unless he feels guilty and ashamed. Unless he's someone like... ME!

Monday night was uneventful. Too many series to catch up with so I didn't do it and read Outliers by Malcom Gladwell instead. If you want to know why the Jews, Bill Gates and such are rich, it's a good read. But really, who cares about some Jews and NERDS? No one. Am I right or amiright!

Tuesday afternoon I had a secret boys choir practice gentlemen's club meeting. Before that I ate at our Unica restaurant Macciavelli again. This time I had a minced meat burger with fries AND potatos! This was starting to get out of hand (or MITTEN!). After practice I went to store to buy pizza ingredients and a Spicy Italian Subway, came home, played GUITAR HERO on the drums until my right arm started feeling a little numb and read and watched some more "TV" (on my computer). Oh, I also dragged my bike upstairs to our seventh floor apartment cause I bought a new 9 € dollar lamp to evade a possible 20 € fine. Not good evening. Okay, it wasn't up the stairs, but on the elevator, but it was still pretty extreme because the elevator has only three walls and I could've ended up worse than some guy in history in some country sometime.

Wednesday was way more exciting. I woke up early, before 10 a.m., NOT. GOOD. MORNING. I had the whole day to prepare for our CRUISE TOMORROW (not Tom, but on a ship across the Baltic). To nobody's surprise I watched some series', cleaned a little, installed my new 9 € bike lamp and listened to a lot of music while doing it. After two o'clock I decided it was time to MAKE SOME PIZZA. Cray-zee. First I made the dough and after that I chopped the ONIONS and prepared the MINCED MEAT on the stove. I added the onions, some tomato purée and spices (or condiments, you fags). I spread the dough, put the meat on top of that, then put some cheese on the PIZZA, added some pepperoni and then added ANOTHER LAYER OF CHEESE on top of it all. I sprinkled some oregano on it and put it in the oven.

The pizza was in the oven for a little bit too long and I should've placed it a little higher, because it smelt a little BURNED. But it looked pretty good. You be the judge.

Oh, that doesn't look delicious to you? You know you shouldn't judge before you've tasted it. But that's impossible since I'm going to eat it all by myself on the CRUISE (still not Tom).

So, with a couple of slices under my belt (or above it) I decided to play some more GUITAR HERO but finally after rocking out to the Heartbreaker by Pat Benatar not only was my right hand starting to feel numb again but so was my LEFT HAND and my "bass" leg was STARTING TO CRAMP. Not good afternoon.

I headed off with my bike in the elevator and went back to Educarium (the home of Macciavelli aka. school) for my last (or so I thought) meeting of Opex in Relander. I stopped at Anttila to buy a 2 € present for our Christmas party after the meeting. I had TWO CANS of Coca-Cola in my backpack and drank one right at the beginning of the meeting. Our "quick" meeting quickly disintegrated into another two hour MARATHON and our Christmas party seemed like light years away.

I survived, but the CRUISE still seemed to be light years away. Literally. It seemed like the cruise ship was in another galaxy at a distance of more than what light travels in a year. Cray-Zy! I made an unnecessary stop at the store cause there was going to be "Jaffa and Coke" at the party. In reality, Jaffa was some form of Fanta I'd never seen before and Coke was, well, Light Coke. NOT. GOOD. PARTY! I tried the Fanta and it was actually drinkable to my surprise. Good party afterall? Maybe it was already written in the wind, but before things got out of hand completely I drank "Glögi" WITH VODKA. Was it happening?

After eating some salad with salmon, red onions, cucumber and French dressing, me and the boys headed to the sauna. Someone had heard a rumor that within ten minutes every SAUNA between men turns "gay". Fortunately that didn't happen and I retained my butt virginity (of 2009). After sauna the people who didn't bring gifts for secret Santa went home and there were seven of us left. I felt a little tired and I wasn't in the mood to meet Santa. AT ALL. Nevertheless I went to check on the gifts while a heard some rumbling outside the door. It was Santa Clause and he LOCKED ME OUT OF THE APARTMENT! I had to take the elevator down, wearing just jeans, a t-shirt and socks, head outside and climb up four stories of balconies like a regular Nikke Knatterton.

Meanwhile inside Santa was his hilarious self although he did say some not so things about me and my visit to Santa's village at Rovaniemi a month ago. My friends gladly sang to Santa even though they knew I was LOCKED OUTSIDE. AGAIN. Not Merry Christmas. Santa shared stories about the reindeers' vacations and fortunately for him none of the girls were too naughty, so he didn't have to spank any of them. He gave out the gifts and left mine in a plastic bag.

As I was just climbing on to the balcony I saw Santa FLYING UP TO THE ROOF where supposedly his helicopter was waiting. I entered the apartment surprisingly warm and dry (I guess I'm just that kind of guy) and in my hand were Santa's red cape, beard and hat. I quickly dropped them and grabbed my present. But because I was oldest I got to open my gift last.

All the gifts were awesome. I bought a PINK SCULL that glows in the dark and warns drivers that one hardcore motherfucking (and cocksucking too) tough s.o.b. was going to cross the street and there's nothing the guy in the Volvo can do about it. NOTHING! (Except jump out of his car and admit defeat.) My friend Mikael got the gift. My gift was nicely wrapped in see through plastic and white paper and it was... Soap and 100 RUBBER BANDS. OH. MY. SCIENCE!

After the presents and in advance of things getting out of hand at the CRUISE I had more vodka, this time with LIGHT COKE. I drank THREE glasses of the stuff. Not good evening! Thanks to the RUBBER BANDS My CRUISE was saved. I will be the guy who shoots RUBBER BANDS at fat girls, pretty girls, funny girls and passed out naked guys' balls. Things are going to get out of hand, seriously and literally. I'm going to have RUBBER HANDS, like three of them in both hands, and they're are going to get released into the faces of unsuspecting travelers. Out. Of. Hand. I can't wait.

BEAVER IN THE MOUTH AND ISO YLÖS!

A Placebo for sick fans

2009-11-17T00:55:00.001+02:00

DISCLAIMER: My thoughts: This blog needs more content and needs to be updated a little more frequently. There, I said it.

It's Monday night and 24 hours ago on Sunday night I was in Helsinki enjoying a rather enjoyable gig by Placebo at Jäähalli (The original hockey arena in Helsinki). I was there with my gf and we were sitting in section C-3. The seats were pretty good, but more about that later...

We arrived just as the opening act had started to play. They were a band from Australia and they had a very gay name. I can't remember what it was and I can't bother to look it up. After they scuffled of (but not before playing "one more song" that lasted for at least 9 minutes) and while the road crew prepared the stage for the main performers they showed a couple of short movies on the displays on both sides of the stage. Placebo has this thing about helping Africans or something. The films can be voted for (but not seen in their entirety! WTF!) at http://filmfestival.placeboworld.co.uk/. As I said our seats were pretty good, but for most of the duration of the short films there were these two stupid bitches talking to a security guard and they happened to be standing inside the arena for no other wordly purpose than to stand between me and the display and annoy the fuck out of me. Stupid bitches! Still, the third short film was awesome. It was called Le Petit Dragon and it was a stop-motion-y animation about a Bruce Lee action figure coming to life and battling various enemies including a computer game version of himself! Cool!

After the short films the crowd started buzzing and after a while they tried to get the band to come out via applauding wildly. When the curtain fell showing the rather nice stage and the band the crowd erupted. The band started with a couple of new songs that were okay, but can't be found on Spotify, so that sucks. The stage was extremely nice and they had two kinds of displays. The side displays showed "video" footage or live footage of the band. The upper two displays were actually metal grates and thanks to some expensive machinery they featured some cool graphics. During the first or second song they displayed the words Game Over and No Credit (some kind of game theme?). Anyway here's the stage:

Oh yeah, there was a big display behind the stage too... The pictures were taken with my iPhone 3G S and since I had that kind of machinery at my disposal for the first time at a gig I decided to test its/my video recording skills. The songs I most wanted to have were Every You Every Me and Meds. I lucked out and got four good videos including the aformentioned two songs as well as Because I Want You and Twenty Years. And when I say good I mean the audio is horrible and you can barely see because of the lights pointing straight at the camera, but I liked the songs and the performances were good. The first song I recognized was Every You Every Me. The second one I knew was Because I Want You which was quickly followed by Twenty Years: [vids coming]

After some 10 songs or so... I felt it had to be time for Meds and I got my wish when the recognizable chords started playing (with a nice variation): [video coming]

Meds was followed closely by Song to Say Goodbye and I put my camera away not to miss the gig entirely. After the song the band left the stage. While the crowd wooed the band to return they showed a chick in bodypaint dancing on the monitors. I'm glad the band did come back, cause that video was repulsive. They played three more songs inluding Special K and The Bitter End and exited again. People started pouring out, but the lights didn't come on and the band returned for a great Infra-Red. Then they played another song, which wasn't that great and a little disappointing to go out on. Then again, no more clapping and applauding to get them back so maybe that's what they wanted. Lights on and exit arena. Then I got into my car, drove 1,5 hours to Turku and listened to Muse on the way home. Good times!

What can I say. I didn't have high hopes going in to the gig because their last gig in jäähalli didn't go over too well, but they played enough songs from Meds to get me going. I wish I could've gotten better videos AND been able to enjoy the gig more. I was afraid to sing along not to ruin my videos. Alas, everything went fine and I enjoyed myself.

If you want to listen to what I heard with better sound quality, here's the Spotify link to my version of the set list: Placebo set list.

Steve Smith are Stormtroopers

2009-10-12T01:33:00.006+03:00

Last Christmas I gave you (my heart and the very next day, you're gay if you know the words...) a post about the greatest living athlete of all time. Steve Smith. But today, it has come to my attention that after successful careers in NHL and the NBA there are not one but two Steve Smiths in the NFL. One Bostonian called them Steve Smith 1.0 and Steve Smith 2.0. This can only mean one thing. I have been misinformed and Steve Smith isn't just one person. And yet he still is...

Now, you might be asking yourself (or me, if you were any smarter) how is that even possible? Well truth be told it isn't. But thanks to Nazi scientists, Sci-Fi (not SyFy) and Lord Sidious there are such things as clones.

The story of Steve Smith starts a long time ago in a galaxy far far away... Near Germany. There was a man, called Doktor Iam Fett, and because of his fettness, erm, debilitating condition he couldn't have kids. So he decided to clone himself. He used a jedi mind trick to convince the first clone Boba Fett that he was Boba's father when infact they were the same person. Jaw dropping, I know...

The original, Steve Smith 1.0 aka. Boba Fett

Well, Lord Adolph Sidious was very pleasantly surprised that Herr Doktor Fett had managed to clone himself so he ordered more clones of Fett. He called them his Imperial Stormtroopers and he used them in a fight against the Allied Forces aka Jedi ("may the allied forces be with you" as their motto) in Episode II, Attack of The Clones. Historians call it World War II, but to me, this horrible part of history will always be Attack of The Clones. The Stormroopers (or Sturmtruppen) aka. the SS (German for Steve Smith) were not victorious in the end because Winston Churchill and Yoda stopped them.

The Imperial Startrooper, aka Steve Smith 2.0 at a Clone Wars re-enactment aka convention.

Lord Adolph Sidious's closest confidant Anakin Skywalker was able to survive through massive surgery, roboengineering and luck by turning into Richard Nixon with James Earl Jones's voice and he began to collect a new army of SteveSmith Stormtroopers that he would unleash upon the world. And that world was the sports world. The results? Devastating.

Now the SteveSmith are ravaging through the sports world with gene manipulation and improved versions year after year. If a SteveSmith is born in Canada, it will play hockey. If it grows tall enough (over 2 metres) to slam dunk, it'll rule the world of professional basketball. Dark specimens will play football, lighter ones will play soccer.

The fact of the matter is, The SS aka. SteveSmith, are unstoppable and will rule the Empire and the sports world with an iron hand and an array of skills for ages.

That is until the Return of the Jedi, where little furry midgets and children will throw rocks at them. Just like in the bible when Monty Python actors dressed as women dressed as men threw rocks at Terry Gilliam. Until then, may the steroids be with you.

Hot Chicks I Would (Marry) - Part IV

2009-03-11T14:36:00.010+02:00

Welcome to the final part of my search for the perfect ex-wife. Parts I, II and III so you can familiarize with the competition.

Anyway, these Hot Chicks were in the Top 99 of Women 2009 according to Men (and Women?) who visit AskMen.com... They forgot to ask me.

Lacey Chabert

Things going for her:

I fell in love with her when she was just an annoying teen ager
She filled out nicely. I mean, she really filled out nicely
She's my age

Things going against her:

She was Meg and got fired. Maybe she was too hot, but that doesn't explain Mila Kunis's success
That nose is kind of big

Verdict: Although your probably not my first choice a couple of love letters laced with sexy nude pictures and I'll be yours. Slutty enough to keep me away from mistresses long enough to do the nasty with her and still innocent enough to actually be taken down the aisle

Rachel McAdams

Things going for her:

Probably the prettiest face in the whole world
She's thin, but not skinny
Seriously, I'm sick and tired of kissing my monitor instead of those pretty lips. I mean what more do I need to do?

Things going against her:

She's 30 so that's pushing it a little
She's Canadian. Is that bad?

Verdict: You have only one thing going against you so you better dazzle me with something romantic/sexy/both and then we'll talk. And fall in love and... I mean I'll screw your brains out and ~~live happily ever after~~ no no, ~~snuggle with you into the wee hours of the night~~ dammit. Just marry me okay?

Jenna Fishcer

Things going for her:

Best female character on TV and second funniest (Tina Fey)
She's the one who's made me refer to the woman of my dreams as "my Pam"
She could be "my Pam"
She's pretty and still can be pretty hot, just look at that picture. Best scene in Blades of Glory, period

Things going against her:

Damn research, why does she have to be 35

Verdict: You're funnier than most and still cute and hot as hell. Could you buy a DeLorean please and unite me with you ten years ago? I'd definitely settle for you and not call it settling, not in front of you

Casey Carlson

Things going for her:

Looks pretty good in a bikini
Can sing fairly well
20 years of age

Things going against her:

Didn't make it to the final 13 on American Idol? How should I say this...

Verdict: Oh, I thought you were someone else. It's not you, it's me. Hope we can still be friends on Facebook. We can? Oh, great *uncomfortably*

Natalie Portman

Things going for her:

Probably the best SNL sketch ever, behind Lazy Sunday is Natalie Portman's rap
She's funny, she's pretty
Even though she's been around forever, she's almost as young as I am
Way way better than Keira Knightley in all ways not found in a birth certificate

Things going against her:

She's queen Amidala. Actually I loved her even in those movies
She's not pretty, but not perfect
It took me conspicuously long to find a hot picture of her

Verdict: A couple of years you would've been my number one choice. A perfect mix of funny, young, talented and pretty. But the world has opened up and you might have trouble keeping up. It might come down to timing so please, hurry up.

So, that's it. All the Hot Chicks I Would (Marry) and others I just would cheat on them with. But wait, that's not all. We have to rank these chicks. Firstly I'll rank who I'd rather cheat on my future my wife with. So...

10. Bar Rafaeli
9. Dania Ramirez
8. Halle Berry
7. Emma Stone
6. Mila Kunis
5. Lacey Chabert
4. Torrie Wilson
3. Odette Yustman
2. Scarlett Johansson
1. Megan Fox

What this means is that for my next list number 1 I'd cheat on only with Megan and number 2 I'd definitely cheat on with Megan and ScarJo and so on, and so on. But without further ado, the 10 chicks I would definitely marry:

10. Isla Fisher (If you leave Borat, I'm yours)
9. Carrie Underwood (Keep on singing and bringing in the big bucks)
8. Naomi Watts (You might be up in age, but who wouldn't settle for you)
7. Emma Stone (Ask me again in a couple of years and you might be no. 1. Definitely most potential)
6. Jenna Fishcer (Why did you have to be so old? Well, we still have some good years left in us)
5. Natalie Portman (I'd drop you for anyone below your position, but the competition is just too tough up top)
4. Lacey Chabert (We go way back Lacey, and then you became hot. I mean, come on!)
3. Elizabeth Banks (You stole my heart just recently and you can gladly use it as ransom to get me to marry you)
2. Mila Kunis (Wait in the wings a while and I'll be forever yours. Unfortunately my heart belongs to someone else now)

Drum roll please. Please? Okay, fine. The woman I'd most likely marry (at least now) is...

Rachel McAdams
Rachel, you came through in the end and if you ask me, the men who were asked stuff at AskMen.com don't have any blood flowing through their hearts (or their brains for that matter). You have 10 - 12 great years left in you and I'd love you to spend them with me. And if Mila doesn't show up soon I'll stay with you. *Mouths "call me Megan"*

Thanks for tuning into Future ex-wives of Spedelandia. See you next season!

Hot Chicks I Would (Marry) - Part III

2009-03-11T13:36:00.010+02:00

This is a multiple Part series on the search of my future wife. Check out Parts I and II first.

So, we're down to the top 20 and from the looks of it there'll be some very good candidates and some complete unknowns. Here are some more potential ex-wives:

Jessica Alba

Things going for her:

Everyone seems to like her
She is all kinds of good looking
She makes a ton of money
She's not too old, only 27

Things going against her:

She's already a mom
She can't actually act worth half her paychecks. She was good in Sin City where she basically played a young Jessica Alba. Must've been hard

Verdict: Truth is I included because I didn't want anyone to think I forgot about you. Truth is, I don't like you or your "perfect body" (whoever came up with that shit probably forgot to look at her less than stellar breasts and her see-through eyes). So, bye bye Jessica, see you on the way down to irrelevance.

Halle Berry

Things going for her:

She's hot
She became twice as hot when she was pregnant
She was hot in The Flintstones and in that Bond Flick. And especially in Monster's Ball
She's a former Miss USA

Things going against her:

She's catwoman
She got me to watch The Flintstones and that Bond flick! And especially Monster's Ball. Thank god I can see the only scene necessary on the Interwebs.
She's 42? I can't believe it!

Verdict: I'd gladly knock you up again and reap the rewards, but I doubt that I'd stay around to take after your kids. It's no wonder that you've been in so many duds. Fact is, you can't act that much better than Jessica Alba. So, no marriage between yours truly and Ms. Berry.

Kristen Bell

Things going for her:

She was hot and electric in Heroes
She was sexy and funny in Forgetting Sarah Marshall
She floats like a feather

Things going against her:

She's not as hot or funny as Mila Kunis
She's skinny and actually looks pretty flat

Verdict: I'd marry you, but keep in mind that I'd drop you instantly for Mila and some others. So be warned, I might ring your Bell but I might as well curse you to hell. Rhyme tyme!

Scarlett Johansson

Things going for her:

Nice breasts, beautiful smile
Actually can act, preferable in non-slutty roles though. I mean you remember The Horse Whisperer! (What do you mean jailbait?)
Age: 24. Still in prime condition

Things going against her:

Acts in slutty roles a lot and is a little too good in them
More often than not her hair looks like shit and she doesn't seem to be enjoying herself as she should

Verdict: For a 24-year old seems to have a lot of mileage on her. I'd let you give me fellatio from time to time but I doubt we could really hit it up. Plus I'm a little afraid of Ryan Reynolds so if he's happy with you, all the more power to him. I might not make it out of your snatch alive.

Megan Fox

Things going for her:

Only 22 years old
Hot as hell in Transformers

Things going against her:

She's got a little of ScarJo's sluttiness and Angelina Jolie's snottyness in her face
Every other picture of her is hot, every other is meh
Just like Scarlett and Angelina, she's overrated as hell

Verdict: Just face it Megan, you're not wife material. You're a hot mistress at best. See you on the night of my wedding in the suite next to mine.

And just like that AskMen's list ended. There were some terrible omissions. And there were omissions done by me. These include: Evangeline Lilly (almost, but not quite), Heidi Klum (too old, too German), Kate Beckinsale (too old, too stale), Rihanna (too beaten up), Beyonce (too ethnic), Anne Hathaway (something wrong with those lips...)

But who were the gregarious omissions from the list? Find out on the next Ex-wives of Spedelandia, where we round out the competition and rank them in marriability. Stay tuned!

On to part IV

Hot Chicks I Would (Marry) - Part II

2009-03-11T12:12:00.014+02:00

Part I

It's time for part II of my future ex-wives list. I'm interested to see if AskMen's top 99 even has all my favorites. Anyway, on with the show.

Carrie Underwood

Things going for her:

She can sing (although country is not my game)
She was a simple (hot) farm girl who turned out to be a beautiful singer
She's almost my age

Things going against her:

It's that country thing
I know almost nothing about her

Verdict: I guess we'd just move to Hickville, USA and make hot love for the next fifteen years all over the world while she's touring and I'd love to accept all that country since she's rich and hot. So, definitely I would marry this one.

Odette Yustman

Things going for her:

Age 23
Pretty face
Great ass in that one scary movie poster

Things going against her:

Eaten by the Cloverfield monster
Not a sure shot to make it big

Verdict: Potentially a great wife. Still a poor woman's Rachel McAdams. If she declines, you're back in.

Bar Rafaeli

Things going for her:

I think she's Brazilian
She's 23
She looks great in a swim suit

Things going against her:

She's actually Israeli
Leo DiCaprio

Verdict: Doesn't posses the girl-next-door looks we're looking here and I've yet to see a glimpse of personality on her, but maybe that's because the photographers try to put emphasis on her outer beauty. It's doable, but I'd rather have you at my Bachelor party than at the altar of my wedding.

Isla Fisher

Things going for her:

Probably the funniest hot girl in the world (Tina Fey is funnier, but not as hot. I'd still do her though)
That read hair
That pretty smile
Can be a little nasty too

Things going against her:

She's already 33
She's actually married (or engaged) to Sacha Baron Cohen, aka Borat. If someone deserves any two women they choose, it's Borat

Verdict: If you ever get tired of your man, you know where to find me. WHAT! You doubt she reads my blog. I'll show you... my imaginary readers!

Keira Knightley

Things going for her:

She's often mistaken for Natalie Portman
She's a pirate
She was born in Middlesex, nice
She's about 24

Things going against her:

She can act, she can't act, she can act, she can't act *out of daisy leafs*
She's not Natalie Portman
She never smiles

Verdict: Stop pouting all the time and maybe I'll take you out. I doubt she even knows how to smile. No soup for you, NEXT!

Gisele Bundchen

Things going for her:

She is Brazilian
She's a hot model

Things going against her:

She's 28 (pushing it, baby)
Leo DiCaprio dumped her for Bar Rafaeli. Yup, she's older

Verdict: I think your time came and went a couple of years after those H&M commercials. You're not last on the list since only thing against you is your considerably okay age and your history with Leonardo

Mila Kunis

Things going for her:

YES, what are you waiting for!
She's funny
I loved her in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, she's way hotter than that skinny bitch Kristen Bell
She's 25, just right

Things going against her:

She went out forever with that dumbass dude Kelso who couldn't even find his car with Stiffler
She was born in the USSR
She's Meg. That'll do pig, that'll do

Verdict: If you find me first, I'm all yours. Hubba hubba!

There's still 20 women left on the list, so bye bye and I'll see you in Part III later.

On to Part III

Hot Chicks I Would (Marry) - Part I

2009-03-11T00:19:00.019+02:00

While going around the Interwebs recently I stumbled upon AskMen.com's top 99 women of 2009 list. I got to 95 and realized I love Elizabeth Banks. And there's still 94 hotter women in the world! At least according to people who answer to AskMen.com. I wonder who these people are... Anyway, these are (female) celebrities I would definitely marry. In order of ranking in AskMen's list.

Elizabeth Banks

Things going for her:

She's pretty
She's funny
She's hot
She's blonde and I, a gentleman, prefer that
She's got a great laugh

Things going against her:

She's 35
She's so good at faking orgasms, she almost gave me one just watching her do it

Verdict: If she comes up to me in 5 years time or less and tells me that I can have whoever I'm with at that moment for life or her for 3 seconds of miraculous love making... I'm choosing her. 5-10 years, I'd still probably bone her, but I wouldn't let her go over 40 before knocking her up and tying her down. Figuratively and literally speaking, of course.

Emma Stone

Things going for her:

She's only 20 (Yay!)
She looks like she can take a dick. I would compliment her on her dick taking abilities
There so much going on with those eyes. She's gotta be funny and smart
She's got cute freckles and red hair. Nice

Things going against her:

She's got freckles and red hair. Our kids would be burned alive by UV rays anywhere between the arctic circle and Antarctica

Verdict: There's pretty much no way I wouldn't fall in lub with this hot chick. Especially if we were in a hot tub. I should write rap lyrics for Kanye. All in all, I'd do and I do. I'd even bring her booze just to head butt her accidentally.

Torrie Wilson

Things going for her:

Nice body, especially that rack
She can wrestle. I like to wrestle

Things going against her:

She can wrestle, and she looks like she can beat me up. She'd just make me feel bad that I'm not in ~~good~~ ~~great~~ awesome shape
I've already seen her naked. No surprises there
She's 33 and she hasn't been anywhere noticable in over a year

Verdict: Oh, this all came so suddenly but if you'd asked me 5 years ago I would've definitely killed my parents and married you right away. Now? Well, you can be my older, more sophisticated mistress. I mean "fitness instructor". Yeah, that's it.

Naomi Watts

Things going for her:

She's a natural beauty
She can act, well better than almost anyone. High income
She seduced a King, who then sacrificed himself and fell to his death magnificently

Things going aganst her:

That king was King Kong, the world's largest gorilla from the infamous Skull Island
She's 40. We can still do the nasty, but I guess it would be best if we adopt. Maybe some of those kids in Cider House Rules still need adopting so they can get away from Peter Parker

Verdict: You've aged well my love, but time is running short. By the time this post hits the web you'll be going against some younger and funnier competition. You could still be my trophy wife and my mom could probably use some company so look her up and tell her I sent you. Maybe then she'll stop bothering me.

Julianne Hough

Things going for her:

Love at first sight
She looks like a blonder, hotter, younger and less annoying version of Alexis Bledel's mom
I heard she can dance
She's 19

Things going against her:

Who are you?
A commenter on imdb.com said she has bad taste in men. Maybe that's a good thing...

Verdict: Although I don't know anything about you and have only seen still photos of you from the front (you might look shit from behind, and I like it like a dog, so...) you like the kind of girl I would gladly tie down. Trophy wife material definitely, but until I hear you speak you have no business with these other women. If you're mute then that's just great, less nagging.

Dania Ramirez

Things going for her:

She was the best thing on Heroes, um, last season? She was such a hot superhero that she gave me superpowers akin to the Viagra Man
She's latin in a good, non-Rosie-Perez way
I mean, just look at that beautiful skin. It probably tastes better than chocolate

Things going against her:

Well, she is almost thirty
She hides her rack pretty well in pictures even though she was Miss Cleavage on Heroes
If she starts to cry, everybody in a half-a-mile radius dies. Except for Sylar, cause he's cool

Verdict: Hop on that Banana Boat and come steal my heart before some of these younger and hotter bitches do it. If you get me first, I promise you I won't cheat on you (I mean cheat against you in the poker game of love). Tick, tock, tick, tock.

Blake Lively

Things going for her:

She's pretty
She's young
I guess those boobs are okay

Things going against her:

I don't really know who she is
She's on The Hills, that much I know
I've never seen The Hills

Verdict: You have a chance as long as no one else comes around, but chances of that happening are pretty, pretty, pretty slim so hurry up if you don't want to miss the love boat of pure awesomeness.

To be continued... Part II

Steve Smith is the Greatest Athlete in The World

2008-12-16T00:46:00.008+02:00

The debate about who the greatest athletes ever are continues to rage on year after year and new athletes try to jump in and throw their names in the discussion. Like just this past summer that Phelps guy won a butt-load of gold medals, appeared in SNL and boned a lot of hot chicks.

But Phelps is only a swimmer and when considering the Best Athlete Ever people always turn to versatile athletes such as Deion Sanders (baseball, football), Bo Jackson (also baseball and football), Michael Jordan (basketball, baseball), Wilt Chamberlain (basketball, nailing chicks), Hulk Hogan (WWE, WCW, VH1, Rocky III) and so on. But there is one name which gets lost in the shuffle. Maybe it's because the name itself is so unintimidating. Out of all the multisport athletes to grace this planet one stands above all else. And that one person is called Steve Smith.

From Wikipedia:
"James Stephen Smith, better known as Steve Smith, (born April 30, 1963, in Glasgow, Scotland) played in the National Hockey League from 1984-85 to 2000-01. He was an NHL All-Star who is also remembered for a gaffe he made during the 1986 Smythe Division Finals. Smith was drafted by the Edmonton Oilers in the 1981 NHL Entry Draft in the 6th round, 111th overall. He is perhaps most known for accidentally scoring on his own team, the Edmonton Oilers in the 1986 playoffs. In the third period of game seven against the rival Calgary Flames, with the score tied at two, he made a pass from behind his own net that bounced off of goaltender Grant Fuhr into his own net. That goal was the difference in the game and it cost the Oilers the series. Despite this infamous incident, he became one of the best defencemen in the league and was a key player in Edmonton, winning 3 Stanley Cups (1987, 1988, 1990), as well as playing in the 42nd NHL All-Star Game. After Edmonton, he played for the Chicago Blackhawks where early in the 1995-96 season he took Russian superstar Pavel Bure down hard into the boards behind the net tearing Bure's ACL, an injury that he never recovered from. After announcing his retirement following the 1996-97 NHL season, he came back a year later and played three seasons for the Calgary Flames, retiring for real in December 2000. During Smith's one year hiatus in 1997-98, he joined the Calgary Flames coaching staff as an assistant coach."

Steve Smith in his Chicago Blackhawks days

Let's recap: He prevented the mighty Edmonton Oilers, one of the most dominant teams in pro sports ever, from winning another Stanley Cup, while playing for them! He won three Stanley Cups, played in the All-Star Game and ended Pavel Bure's, one of Russia's greatest atheletes ever, career. That's quite a feat for someone simply named Steve Smith. But Smith wasn't done, oh no. Because while he played in the NHL, he was actually moonlighting as an NBA player too. Check this out:

From Wikipedia:
"Steven (Steve) Delano Smith (born March 31, 1969, in Highland Park, Michigan) played with several teams in his 14-year National Basketball Association career, including the Miami Heat, the Portland Trail Blazers and the San Antonio Spurs, but is perhaps best known for his five-year stint with the Atlanta Hawks which included an All-Star Game appearance in 1998. He won a championship with the Spurs in 2003.

Smith was widely regarded as an excellent three-point shooter and an experienced veteran and won the 1994 FIBA World Championship and an Olympic gold medal with the Olympic USA basketball team in 2000 at Sydney.

He holds career averages of 14.3 points, 3.2 rebounds and 3.1 assists per game while shooting 35.8 percent from behind the three-point line over 942 career games. He also holds the Hawks' single-game record for 3 pointers with 9."

Steve Smith shadows Michael Jordan

Also from NBA.com:
"One of three players in NBA history to hit 7 three-pointers in a quarter along with John Roche and Henry James.
One of three players in NBA history to connect on 8-of-8 from three-point land in a single game along with Jeff Hornacek and Sam Perkins."

I think saw that game, or whichever game it was. Probably the one where he hit all 8 out of 8. Anyway to recap, the former NHL All-Star known as Steve Smith did this as a basketball player:
Won the NBA Title, a World Championship and an Olympic Goldmedal. Suck it Phelps! He also played in the NBA All-Star game and once guarded a guy named Michael Jordan. And to top it all off he should be always mentioned in sentences with such famous names as John Roche and Henry James or superb killer athletes such as Jeff "Horny" Hornacek and Sam "Big Easy" Perkins. That's quite a crowd.

But after conquering the worlds of professional hockey and Basketball Steve Smith wasn't done. Oh no, not by a long shot. After all hockey is for Canadians and there's no tackling in basketball. So Steve Smith took his unassuming name and conquered the world as a pro football player.

Wikipedia has the details:
"Stevonne Latrall Smith (born May 12, 1979 in Lynwood, California) is an American football wide receiver for the Carolina Panthers of the National Football League. Smith, a three-time Pro Bowl selection, has emerged as one of the NFL's most productive wide receivers, leading the league in catches, receiving yards and touchdowns in 2005.

The Carolina Panthers chose Smith in the third round (74th Overall) during the 2001 NFL Draft.

Career accomplishments

* In 2001, Smith was the first rookie to make the Pro Bowl as a special teams player since Tyrone Hughes in 1993.(Jerome Mathis later did this in 2005, and Devin Hester again in 2007)
* Smith’s 404 postseason yards in 2003 were the most since Jerry Rice gained 409 yards in 1988.
* In 2005, Smith became the first player since Washington Redskins' receiver Art Monk in 1984 to lead the NFL in receptions for a team that ran more often than it passed.
* Smith earned the NFL's receiving "triple crown" in 2005, leading the league in receptions (103), yards (1,563) and touchdowns (12).
* Smith is one of only three players in history, along with Jermaine Lewis, to run back two punts for touchdowns and catch a touchdown pass in the same game."

Suck on these Pythons Hulk Hogan!

So let me get this straight. Now you're telling me that the twice born again Steve Smith not only is a famous hockey player responsible for Pavel Bure's career-ending injury AND a famous basketball player along the lines of John Roche and Henry James but he's also one of the best wide receivers in professional football today! That's just amazing! But, oh wait, it gets even better...

"Among Steve’s tattoos are Papa Smurf, a Superman S, the Tasmanian Devil, and Chinese letters that translate as “Strong Soul.” He also has the names of his wife and children tattooed on his leg."

I have no words. Steve Smith is the greatest ever (after yours truly, I'm still better than you, you know).

To read more about the greatest ever head on down to his wikipedia page. A. Ma. Zing!

The Osterman Weekend

2008-11-29T20:52:00.007+02:00

The Osterman Weekend is the greatest and funniest film festival in all of existence. The second annual Osterman Weekedend aka. OW is being held somewhere in early 2009 in Turku. The lineup so far for this year's extravaganza includes such films as:

Youngblood (1986) starring Patrick Swayze and Rob Lowe, supported by Keanu Reeves and "that guy" Ed Lauter as the coach

Split Second (1992) starring the bat shit insane Rutger Hauer, Kim Catrall as the almost-sex-interest and a terrifying monster

Anaconda (1997) starring the incomprabable Jon Voight alongside "the gangsta" Ice Cube and "the sexy" J-Lo and including amazing performances by Danny Trejo and Owen Wilson in a great cast of that guys (who get eaten by the snake)

Jaws 3-D (1983) starring Bruce the Shark and Randy Quaid plus featuring a hot young version of Lea Thompson and the scene stealing mustache of Simon MacCorkingdale as Philip FitzRoyce's mustache. Everybody excerices futility by screaming in slo mo.

Ishtar (1987) starring the musical geniouses Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty plus the scene stealing blind camel whilst not forgetting a great "that guy" performance from evil Charles Grodin

The Osterman Weekend (1983) with an all-star cast of bat shit insanes Rutger Hauer, John Hurt and Dennis Hopper and the steadying force of the stunned Mr. Incredible himself, Craig T. Nelson, as the mustache-clad Bernard Osterman

Last years lineup also included the so bad it's good but not great The Karate Kid: Part III with amazing perfomances by Noriaki "Pat" Morita, the overweight Ralph Macchio as his boyfriend and excellent nemesi (as in more than one nemesis) Thomas Ian Griffith and Martin Kove.

Other films already considered for OW 2009 but ultimately dismissed include:
Zardoz (1974)
The Wicker Man (2006)
Teen Wolf (1985)
Rambo III (1988)
Over The Top (1987)
The Karate Kid: Part II (1986)
Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
Hercules in New York (1970)
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)
The Marine (2006)
Masters of The Univers (1987)
and many, many more

But there is still room for at least one more film in the regular annual lineup of The prestigious OW and the amount of candidates for this final spot is staggering. Some of the hopefuls include:
Flash Gordon (1980)
Street Fighter (1994)
Kazaam (1996)
Robocop 3 (1993)
Double Impact (1991)
Airport '77 (1977)
Sudden Death (1995)
Celtic Pride (1996)
Waterworld (1995)
Kindergarten Cop (1990)
Going Overboard (1989)
plus The Toxic Avenger and sequels and The Police Academy movies.

The actors, who we are most interested about are, in no particular order:
Rutger Hauer, Nicholas Cage, Dennis Hopper, Keanu Reeves, Patrick Swayze, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jon Voight, Val Kilmer, Tom Cruise, Willem Dafoe and naturally Steven Seagal. Basically every male lead of the 80's not named Tom Hanks is a viable subject. Casper van Dien is okay too. Gary Busey rules!

It's also a huge plus if the movie features a hot 80s female actor for example someone like Elisabeth Shue from such hits as Cocktail, The Karate Kid and Back To The Future Parts 2 and 3.

The invitations to OW 2009 will be sent somewhere between now and early January and the final lineup might not be finalized until the very last moment. Stay tuned!

SEXY UPDATE: A couple of the movies from the to be watched list have been checked out and two of them have been sent to the prestigious Crossbow d'Osterman jury. These movies are the award hopefuls:

Bad Boys 2 (2003) and
Superman III (1983)

And although nobody "put Baby in the Corner", the lovely Dirty Dancing with Patrick Swayze was dismissed as "too good" according to inside sources at the Osterman Mansion.

Truths, by me

2008-06-09T01:52:00.003+03:00

British chicks are fat. And ugly. Yes, that's a generalization. Those who are on TV might be excused and still there are some very ugly British female comedians. That's why Monty Python played the women themselves. No difference to the real thing.
I could make a movie called 'the wild adventures of Stone Cold Steve Austin' and it could be about fucking ice hockey with penguins and Stone Cold nor the WWE couldn't do jack shit about it, ok?
I lean on the left. But I don't care about politics.

Politics is gay.
The probability of your death increases each day. Because every day you don't die, you're closer to the day of your death. So, say if you die at around 60, at 35-40 you should be twice as scared of dying than when you are/were at 17-20
A funny thing happened with my penis. I had been drinking a lot of water and Coke while I was at the computer so I felt this weird thing around my crotch. Like my penis was full or something. I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet with my pants off. All of a sudden some yellow liquid started pouring out of my dick. It lasted for about 30 seconds. After that I felt okay.

Later, when I accidentally stumbled upon some questionable material on the net. It was these weird sites with pictures of naked girls. Suddenly my penis started to grow! It was also real hard and all. So I started smacking and rubbing it so that it would go back to normal. But instead it just got bigger and harder and eventually some gooey white stuff came out of it. From the same place that the yellow liquid had come out of.

I actually realized that my penis has a hole at the end. Is this something I should be worried about? Has anyone had these same symptoms? Is it completely normal?
I wish I had had a camera when I was pooping at the Vienna Airport in November of 2005. That thing was at least 11 inches long. And I was constipated. Quite a feat I'd have to say.
I think I am half smart and half genious.
I like peaches. But I'm allergic and I can't eat peaches. I just like saying 'peaches'.
I rarely get embarrassed. The last time I got embarrassed I was like 8.
Dr. Pepper is not a real doctor
The only thing I wear to bed is a condom. Unless I'm going in naked.

An Inconvenient Truth

2007-11-11T21:01:00.000+02:00

I just saw the Al Gore documentary An Inconvenient Truth. It really opened my eyes.

Not really, I already recycle and kick hippies into action. But it made me realize something that all of you should know too. Do you wanna know what the inconvenient truth is?

Really?

I'm better than you.

That's right. I just beat Guitar Hero II on expert. Thank you, thank you. Now, please hold your applause until the end of this column, sit back down and continue reading.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, I still have 7 songs I haven't got five stars on on hard and a couple more on expert. Even I have room to improve. What makes me better than you then? Well, my Guitar Hero prowess is only the beginning. As I already stated, I recycle. So I treat Mother Nature very well. I also treat my own mother very well. If she gives me a gift (like money) I never do the rude thing and refuse to accept her gift. No, I always accept gifts. Even if they suck.

Yeah, thanks a lot. Bitch. But did I call the person who graciously gave me this gift a bitch? No, not to his face, I didn't. Instead I brought my grudge to an internet blog like any smart and polite person would do.

"But Guitar Hero is for fags." Huh, is it? Or are you just jealous that your fingers don't work as fast on a plastic guitar controller, on a keyboard (I totally master the 10-finger system), on a piano and down there. You guys, and gals (I'm not judging. But you're missing out on the best), wish your fingers could tap that right button, at the right time with precise rhythm and pressure like mine can.

Still not convinced? Well, if you're a hot lady, just open your legs and I'll show you. You guys, will have to read on... Oh, wait, the door bell is ringing.

"You're the best", says Scarlett

Yeah thanks Scarlett. That's one less person I have to convince. Now, let me finish this entry, skank. Where was I?

Oh, yeah. I'm better than you. I have a way with words, with fingers and with my feet. You know the song "He's the Greatest Dancer" by Sister Sledge? Yup, it's about me. When I start to dance, everything else stops. It's pretty annoying when the DJ can't even play his music when I dance. So I restrain myself from going all out. But I still move better than anybody, even white chicks who used to be black guys.

I'm also the world's best driver. I can control any piece of machinery not made by Lada better than anyone. Better than Kimi Räikkönen, better than Markus Grönholm, better than Dale Earnhardt. Oh, he's dead? Well, I'm not, if you catch my drift. Oh, and to anyone who thinks that they're a Markus Grönholm, you're wrong. You're a Timo Rautiainen and I've got a rock in my pants that is going "up in the ass of Timo." Timo Rautiainen sucks. So don't think you're better than me.

"But what's so inconvenient about you being better than me?" Well, idiot, if I'm better than you, all of you, then I have no ambition to become any better. That's a major inconvenience. For, me. It's not one to you, since you can all aspire the impossible and try to be as great as I am.

Fortunately there's even some room for me to improve. After I've beat Guitar Hero II for 100%, I'm joining forces with Mr. Gore and kicking the asses of Global Warming and his girlfriend George W. Bush. We'll stick him back to the black hole he came from which is between the legs of one Barbara Bush (who is pretty 'rouhea' by the way). But after that, what's left? I don't think we'll tackle overpopulation just yet. Only real wackos try to do that.

Oh, and if you try shooting people at a school, go fuck yourself. They still have a chance to learn, unlike you. Why don't you consider shooting up a retirement home or, better yet, your face and genitals instead? And to anyone (*cough* THE MEDIA *cough*) who stick these people's names, faces and opinions in our faces, wipe your diarrhea shot fat asses with your pay checks that get thicker with peoples misery and do something useful for a change. Me and Mr. Gore are going to put you opportunists out of business, by making the world a better, stress free place.

Anywhoo, barring any appearances by Global Warming Jr. the world might be a better place in the end and I can continue to write about things that rule. Not as much as I, but still. Yes, I.

Now, it's over. It's okay, get up. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go convince Scarlett some more.

Oh, the door bell is ringing. I wonder who it is this time...

PS. Thanks for reading. I love you. LOO-OVE. XXX

Top 10 Most 'Rouheinta Muijaa'

2007-11-10T07:05:00.000+02:00

I had a great discussion with my friend 'Urban Legend' today. We were trying (once again) to define the characteristics that make a woman 'rouhea'. One problem is that there's not any encompassing English words for the term 'rouhea'. So I'll have to take liberty in my own hands and try to define the best possible translation. Or I'll just make up a word.

Rouhea is not only a great concept, it's a great word. At the same time it's synonymous with full, hard, rugged, harsh, tough and in control. But it still has a lot of heart, soul and phat phunk in it. Finding an English word for all these qualities is tough. So I took all the women I considered to be the most 'rouheita' and googled how they were described by other people.

Okay, the word is impossible to come by. Let's go true some defining features for 'Rouheat' women.

-Race is perhaps the most important factor. Black women are most 'Rouheita'. They're followed by latins, caucausians. Asians are the least rouheita, they're too small.

-Nationality plays a big role, Spanish women are pretty rouheita while Swedish chicks aren't as high up there

-Age is a big plus. A non-rouhea woman can go to totally rouhea in a span of 15-20 years. The best of them start young though, and build up on that even more. The top of the list is populated by these Queens.

-To go with age, you gotta have some experience. Be it life experience, experience in parenting, experience in eating, experimenting with legal and illegal substances, it's all for the good. As long as you still stay alive and strong.

-It helps to be the Queen. Queen of anything and you're pretty much set. Freddy Mercury doesn't count. He was a fag. A fag with a beautiful voice that lulls me into sleep when I cry. HA! As if I've ever cried.

-You pretty much have to be alive, as stated. Unless your 'rouheus' has reached immortal proportions. Some of these women have done just that. There's a couple of living legends here.

-Rouheus can pretty much only be gained. It's hard to lose it. Ways of losing one's 'rouheus' are giving birth and dying. That's pretty much it. Bulimia and famine would hurt your chances too.

So, that's it. If anyone one has a word for these qualities, please let me know. Without further ado, let's break out the 10 Most 'rouheinta' women in the World.

10. Selma & Patty Bouvier

Claim to Fame: These two 'ladies' burst onto the scene almost 20 years ago. Torturing they're brother in-law they've become America's favorite monster-in-laws to hate. Though they haven't aged a day in 20 years, they haven't ever been as 'rouheita' as they are now.

What Makes them rouheita: The girls do it all. They're crude, they smoke cigarettes more than a little village in Puerto Rico and they're a total pain in the ass and hard to look at. Their voices are full of what makes a voice rouhea. Too bad they're yellow. Otherwise they could even crack the top 5.

9. My Grandma

Claim to Fame: She's my Grandma, duh. I don't have any pictures of my grandma but here's how she's described herself for over twenty years now: "I hundred years and a hundred kilos," and, "brain invalid and age invalid."

What Makes her rouhea: Being the parent of 4, one of them whom grew up to be a bit rouhea herself (my mom) and grandparent to the coolest guy ever. My brother.

NOT!

She's smoked as far as I can remember. I'm not saying it's cool, but it is. It makes her, you know, her. She's got a great skin, it only gets browner and browner by the day. And if you think Selma & Patty are two crude ladies, you haven't learn anything. My grandma is the person who taught me, my brothers and my cousins how swear. And how to swear properly. No one will ever call me a bastard or shit-head as loving as my grandma.

8. The Queen of England

Claim to Fame:Being the Queen of maybe the most 'Rouhein' nation of people in Europe. For 55 years!

What Makes her rouhea:You could pretty much stick any British chick in this slot. But she's taken all of the natural British qualities (bad teeth, bad shape, bad health) and added a lot of 'oomph' on top. She's been a fucking (unimportant) queen for half a century. And she's aged like fine wine. If fine wine turned back into grapes when it aged. She's a white prune. Her only disadvantages are the color of her skin and her voice. She clearly hasn't had enough to drink, though her life has warranted it, with her son Charles being such a wanker. Queen of England, I applaud you. With another 50 years as Queen, you might be unbeatable. Or with blackface...

7. Elizabeth Taylor

Claim to Fame: Starred in movies, married several men, befriended a black man-turned-white woman

What Makes her rouhea: Having the same first name as an actual queen always helps. It's almost as good as your name actually was queen. Marrying and fucking lots of men like a praying mantis is not bad either. But most important, aging from a beautiful hollywood actress (who even played Cleopatra once) into an obnoxious, ugly, old bitch that everybody not named Michael Jackson hates. Just look at the hag. How is it possible that 7 different men agreed to be with her till death do them apart? She's the fucking Henry VIII of the 20th century, and she's still going strong.

6. Queen Latifah

Claim to Fame: Being a huge black woman, who still has a beautiful face despite the excessive weight

What Makes her rouhea: Didn't you just see her? She's huge. Her body just goes on and on and on in every direction. She doesn't only have curves, her curves have insane curves. And still that face, it's like someone put Audrey Hepburn's face on a fucking hamburger. A triple quarter pounder of black buxomness. Oh, and did you notice, she's a Queen. She's not really the queen of anything. Except for cow slaughterers. She's just amazing, there aren't any more words to describe her.

Fat whore. But in the best way possible.

5. Muska Babitzin

Claim to Fame: Being the mother of Kirka

What Makes her rouhea: I don't think you can ask that about Muska. Muska pretty much is the reason the word 'rouhea' is even applied to women. She's the measuring stick that all former and future 'rouheat' women are compared to. If you were to find the word 'rouhea' in a dictionary, her picture would come up. Too bad it's not in any dictionary.

4. Oprah Winfrey

Claim to Fame: Hosting a talk show, her fluctuating weight, Oprah's book club

What Makes her rouhea: She's a global icon. Of rouheus. She's a philanthropist, a black billionaire, the queen of day time Television for, what seems like forever. If you're a celebrity, you've been interviewed by Oprah. And she's made you cry in front of millions (of housewives, bums and junkies) watching at home. She's a tough motherfucker and she can't be messed with. To top Oprah you've gotta be able to kill a lion with your bare hands, to make an antelope cry over the death of the lion, to make the antelope read the latest book of your book club and be a fucking queen. There's exactly three people like that in the world.

3. The African Queen

Claim to Fame: Being the Queen of the largest country (later a continent) in the world, her own movie

What Makes her rouhea: She's able to do all that Oprah did, and more. She's not a pussy ass philanthropist thought, she hasn't got the time. She's got a whole continent of rouheita women and their male slaves to rule. And she rules with a firm grip. She's got the most rouhein title of all of the history in all of the galaxies and parallel universes. Nothing can beat being the Queen of Africa as rouheat titles go. NOTHING! She's got her own movie, starring arguably the biggest names of the 20th century, Humphrey Bogart and Audrey Hepburn. To add to her resume, she's a mythical creature, with unlimited potential. If she ever find out that I had put her third on the list of most rouheat women of the world, she'd strike me down and destroy all of internet as we know it. Fortunately she's a firm believer in freedom of speech and doesn't need anyone's respect to know that she's the greatest of all time. She threw that bitch Cleopatra to the wolves and hasn't slowed down ever since.

2.Tina Turner

Claim to Fame: Singing, getting beat up by Ike Turner, singing, singing some more

What makes her rouhea: What doesn't? The picture says it all. But if you're not convinced... She's got all the aspects down. She's a great singer, with a rouhea voice. She's as old as a Canadian tree but she stills moves like a racehorse. She's got rouhea hair, rouhea face and she's the Queen of Rock & Roll. The only music more rouhea than Rock is Soul. Which nicely leads us to our most rouhea lady of all existence...

1. Aretha Franklin

Claim to Fame: R-E-S-Fucking-P-E-C-T,' nuff said.

What makes her rouhea: Take all the ingredients that you've seen before, add a shit load of funk & soul, a whole bunch of fatty foods and pile innumerable handfuls of balls on top of that and what do you get. The queen of the fucking world. Of rouheus.

This woman demands your respect and she gets it. If you don't respect Aretha Franklin, you don't last very long on her earth. She sings better than anyone. She's got a raspier, rouheampi voice than anyone. Ever. If there was a god, he would pray to Aretha Franklin not to expose him for the pussy he was. Aretha rules all. She's eaten more in a day that you, your family and all your ancestors have eaten in all of your lifetimes put together. Cross her and no one will ever no you existed. That's why she's on top of this list. She demands the respect. Even Tina Turner and The Queen of Africa have to respect. She's the de facto Queen of rouheus, and he definitely wouldn't let a man, let alone a man like Ike Turner, kick his ass. She'd pounce on that homo and make him her girlfriend in the split of a nano second.

There will never be another Arehta Franklin. Aretha Franklin will always be the immortal. Queen of rouheus.

SEXY UPDATE - I was so afraid of Aretha that I forgot to add the honorable mentions. But this post was so successful, that my new readers reminded me to do just that. Thank you. Bitches.

Honorable Mentions

My Mom - Don't make me talk about you mom! Because last night...

Halle Berry - Her current pregnancy shows the kind of potential she has. Too bad the piece of shit has to come out sometime

Ellen Burstyn - From the excoricst mother to the woman who overdosed on weight loss pills, this chick has been through it all. She's as old as WWI memorabilia, but she still has a creepy, warm smile

Anita Hirvonen - The Tina Turner of Finland. She looks like one of those squinting dogs who, in turn, look like lions. Yes, she looks like a dog that looks like a lion. And Tina Turner

Hannele Lauri - The jury is still out on her gender. Her/His/Its rouheus is still unquestionable

Spanish Chicks - Or, namely, Spanish chicks over 40. Carmen Maura, Penelope Cruz, every woman in every Almodóvar movie basically

Caroline Rhea - She's a blond haired, buxom, comedic, WITCH! If that's not rouheeta, then nothing is

Bette Midler - Being a gay icon and a great singer doesn't hurt her case. Too bad the top 10 is made out of bigger, tougher and meaner bitches. With smaller noses

Barbra Streisand - See Midler, Bette

Roseanne Barr - Made John Goodman look like a thin, quiet man in comparison. Has actually aged nicely

Barbara Bush - [Insert Borat joke] Bush...

The late great Queen Mother

Proof of how British chicks defy the odds. Too bad your grip on now isn't what it used to be. (I feel a little candle in the windish about her).

PS. All of you pervs yearning for Hannele Lauri and Mecha Streisand pictures? Get the fuck out of my site. Feeling horny? Go buy a fat bitch some drinks at the local bar.

It's Just Begun

2007-11-10T06:49:00.000+02:00

So, I'm back!

Truth to be told, I'm not back. As I implied in my two previous blogs Cruel Summer and Wild Wild Wisconsin, I've moved to Turku. And after the huge success (or lack of) of those publications I've decided to blogging yet another go by taking it to another level. As I reviewed my two first months in my new home town, I realized that my life wasn't that boring. At least, not all the time. Plus, most of the boring time I do have, I'm putting to good use. And to achieving 'FAG'-status in Guitar Queer-o II.

This fall I've fallen in love with a number of blogs and you can find links to them on the right side of my posts along with my already mentioned two previous blogs. Be sure to spend some time there if you're interested in celebrity gossip, movie news, sports or just shit in general.

Meanwhile I'm trying to bring the best qualities of my favorite blogs and more to this blog. Once in a while I'll review a movie or something. Sometimes I'll post a list of something totally inane. Other times I'll reveal detailed depictions of my adventures. Here and there I might even get philosophical and put thoughts and feelings into writing. The main point is to have easily accessible and comprehensible content that even I would enjoy reading.

Thank You for coming and prepare yourselves for the ride.